


Why does it even matter, anyways?

by Anonymous



Series: Tommy Stuff [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Notes, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27965516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: PLEASE CHECK TAGS FOR TRIGGERS!!this is a vent fic, sort of? so it will have in-depth descriptions on how people feel while they cut themselves and such! please don't read if easily triggered!!also italics stopped working like halfway through ¯\_(ツ)_/¯~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Tommy is tired. Just so tired...Maybe they'll miss him once he's gone.
Relationships: Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit
Series: Tommy Stuff [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2049045
Comments: 12
Kudos: 453
Collections: Anonymous





	Why does it even matter, anyways?

**Author's Note:**

> Again, PLEASE CHECK TAGS FOR TRIGGERS! 
> 
> Catch me writing another anon fic ayyy
> 
> I've been having suicidal Tommy brainrot, so take this :)

The blade of the knife glitters malevolently in the low light as Tommy turns in it his hands. His movements feel trance-like, as though he is merely a spectator to this event.

_Should I really do this?_

The thought worms its way into Tommy's mind.

_You promised you wouldn't cut again._

True, he had.. But that was because his friends and family had worried about him.

No one was going to worry about him out here.

**No one's going to miss you, either.**

There was the voice, the small, nagging voice that always told him what he did wrong, told him that his friends hated him.

It had stuck with him the whole way, and it had been right - they really did hate him.

He should listen to the voice, Tommy thinks. The voice had always been right before; why wouldn't it be right now?

Even if it wasn't right, it didn't matter.

Tommy deserves this.

**Do it.**

The blade of the knife, sharp and deadly, cut cleanly across his chest.

Tommy relishes in the pain, the oh-so familiar pain that had brought him relief many years ago.

The nagging voice that had tried to steer him away from cutting was gone now, silenced by his decision.

**More.**

He stares down at his chest as blood slowly trickles down his body. It's satisfying, in a way, and he loves it.

Why did he ever stop?

The knife slices across his body again, the movement fluid and practiced from long-ago days of the same thing.

Don't cut too deep, he chastens himself, or else you might lose too much blood, or it might get infected.

 **Why does it matter?** The voice whispers. **Would death be such a bad thing?**

He doesn't have an answer for it.

As Tommy stares into his distorted reflection on the knife's blade, a voice calls out for him.

_"Tommy!"_

He flinches. Of course Ghostbur would come back now. As the ghost calls for him again, Tommy quickly hides the knife among the small plants on the ground and tucks his shirt over his wounds, now grateful for his shallow cuts.

Then again, it wasn't like Ghostbur could do much, could he?

Aside from fetching others, who _could_ do something.

No, Tommy decides, better to keep it secret for now.

How long it's going to be secret, Tommy doesn't know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
He forgot how stressful it was to keep the cuts hidden. Ghostbur, at least, didn't seem to notice, but Dream did. He'd come to visit the day before, his ever-perceptive gaze immediately spotting the cuts through a rip in Tommy's shirt.

"Tommy, what is that?" 

Tommy felt himself freeze up. "What's what, big man?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Show me those scratches, Tommy." Dream had commanded sternly, and Tommy had reluctantly shown Dream the pair of cuts that scratched down his chest.

He'd heard Dream suck in a sharp breath. "Where did you get these?" Dream had demanded.

"Zombie." Tommy recalled mumbling, not looking at Dream. When Dream's incredulous silence continued, Tommy added, "It had a sword."

Dream didn't seem convinced, but he didn't say anything more on the subject for the rest of the day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tommy sits in the same place, now, thinking back on the encounter as he idly runs the knife over his skin.

 **You deserve more.** The voice whispers. **More pain.**

 _It's right,_ Tommy thinks. _I'm selfish, and a liability.. I deserve to suffer more pain. They all hate me anyways; none of them would care._

And so Tommy cuts more, shaking hands carving the letter _S_ into his leg.

He smiles. It holds no joy. He was all alone, and the pain was his only friend.

No one visits the next day.

Or the next.

Tommy cuts more.

_E ___

__~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
By the fourth day, Tommy wonders._ _

__He wonders if they would miss him._ _

__Would Tubbo be sad, he asks himself, or would he be glad that the _liability_ is gone?_ _

__**How could anyone miss you? You're loud, annoying, selfish.. They won't miss you.** _ _

__The voice is right._ _

___L ____ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the fifth day, Tommy gets to work, fingers deftly working the rope he had crafted._ _ _ _

____When Dream finally comes, that day, Tommy tells him he's working on a lead for Mushroom Henry._ _ _ _

_____F_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the sixth day, Ghostbur finally comes back._ _ _ _

____Tommy ignores him._ _ _ _

_____I_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the seventh day, Ghostbur gives him Blue and tells him that Tubbo wants to see him._ _ _ _

____The voices tells Tommy that Ghostbur is lying, and he believes it._ _ _ _

____**Tubbo isn't coming.** _ _ _ _

_____S_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the eighth day, finally, Tommy is done._ _ _ _

____His hands shake as he holds up what he's created._ _ _ _

____A noose._ _ _ _

_____Is this really what I want?_ He asks himself. _Do I really want to give up?__ _ _ _

____**Yes.** _ _ _ _

_____H_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the ninth day, Tommy is growing unsure._ _ _ _

____He doesn't know why. He **knows that its the right choice; everyone hates him. They'll be better off with him gone.**_ _ _ _

____So why is he hesitating?_ _ _ _

_____LI_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the tenth day, Tommy is still unsure._ _ _ _

____He doesn't know what he wants anymore._ _ _ _

____All he wants is to be happy, like Ghostbur, but he doesn't know how to achieve that happiness._ _ _ _

____**Death,** His mind whispers. **The only way to be happy again is to die. Look at how happy Ghostbur is. Don't you want that?**_ _ _ _

____Was that really the only way?_ _ _ _

_____AB_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the eleventh day, Ghostbur gives him more Blue. Tells him it will be ok._ _ _ _

____Tommy doesn't know if he believes that._ _ _ _

_____IL_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the twelfth day, Tommy wants Tubbo._ _ _ _

____He missed his friend. Did Tubbo **really hate him?** Why hadn't he come to visit? Dream promised that there was nothing stopping Tubbo. _ _ _ _

____Was Tubbo happier, without him?_ _ _ _

_____IT_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the thirteenth day, Tommy is sure._ _ _ _

____Today would be his last day alive._ _ _ _

____He writes. He writes letters to everyone, even Sapnap._ _ _ _

____He feels as though in a trance, the words flowing out of him easily. His words are bitter._ _ _ _

____The only letter he struggles on is Tubbo's._ _ _ _

_____Y_ _ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the fourteenth day, Tommy hangs himself._ _ _ _

____He body sways in the breeze from where it hangs at the top of his tent._ _ _ _

____He leaves his book of letters on the ground below him._ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Ghostbur finds him on the fifteenth day._ _ _ _

____He cries, his broken heart shattering further as he falls to his knees below his little brother's body._ _ _ _

____The ghost's mournful sobs carry on the wind for miles._ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
On the sixteenth day, he sends out a message on his communicator with shaking hands._ _ _ _

____**Tommy is dead.** _ _ _ _

____Replies flood in immediately, ranging from disbelieving to furious to sad._ _ _ _

____Ghostbur doesn't bother to read them as he helplessly tries to get Tommy down, wanting so badly to cradle the younger in his arms._ _ _ _

____But ghosts can't touch the living, even if they aren't living anymore._ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
People begin to arrive a few hours later._ _ _ _

____Tubbo is first._ _ _ _

____He wails as he sees Tommy's body, drifting limply in the breeze, his skin pale._ _ _ _

____Words are carved into his skin._ _ _ _

____His leg._ _ _ _

____**Selfish** _ _ _ _

____His arm._ _ _ _

____**Liability** _ _ _ _

____His forehead._ _ _ _

____**Useless** _ _ _ _

____His back and chest are covered with cuts, so tightly packed there's almost no untouched skin._ _ _ _

____Tubbo falls to his knees, heart-wrenching sobs torn from his throat. **It's all my fault.** _ _ _ _

____Dream arrives next, only minutes after Tubbo. He pretends like he isn't crying, pretends he can't taste the salt in his mouth._ _ _ _

____He carefully cuts the rope, gently placing Tommy's body on the ground, next to the book. He smooths out the kid's clothing, staring at every cut he sees. "Oh, Tommy..." He whispers as he sits down, knees feeling too weak to stand._ _ _ _

____He never wanted this._ _ _ _

____Phil and Techno are next, followed by Fundy and Eret._ _ _ _

____Phil clutches his son's body and sobs. Techno can only stare in shock._ _ _ _

____Fundy tries to comfort Ghostbur, who hasn't moved from his spot next to Tommy._ _ _ _

____Ghostbur hardly seems to notice Fundy, ghostly tears spilling from between his fingers as he covers his face, as though he's about to wake up and find that it was all a dream._ _ _ _

____Eret stands in the back, hand over his mouth, tears running down his cheeks. He never wanted this either._ _ _ _

____Ranboo arrives only moments after, falling to his knees next to his friend's body. He tells himself it isn't real._ _ _ _

____It's Dream who finally picks up the book._ _ _ _

____"He's written letters to us all."_ _ _ _

____In turn, he passes each person their letter, and they, in turn, tuck it into their pockets to read later, privately._ _ _ _

____He vows to make sure everyone gets their letter._ _ _ _

____~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
They hold a funeral._ _ _ _

____A real one, not like Schlatt's. The whole server shows up._ _ _ _

____If only Tommy could have known how much they all cared about him._ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> Ty for reading! I wasn't sure how to end this and I almost gave up in the middle, but I like how it turned out overall! Hope you enjoyed <3 
> 
> Will I write a part two where everyone reads their letters? Possibly (so yes i probably will)


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